Control, Fear, Instinct and ImperfectionYou can read this while listening to Through The Fire by Larry Greene if you're feeling adventurous (yes, it's from Top Gun). The purpose of this article is to inspire you to confront fear in a positive light. If you do go down the Larry Greene route, follow it up with Destination Unknown by Marietta Waters on the Top Gun soundtrack. You'll see why that matters as you read on. If you hate the sound of the 80s, pick a song that makes you feel powerful and inspired, just don't pick something sad, we're talking about taking control after all.
Film photography forces you to let go, whether you want to or not. No previews, no re-dos. Fear lurks in that uncertain place, the fear of wasting a frame, of missing focus, of getting it wrong. To me, fear is just control in disguise, the mind's attempt to preempt failure before it happens, trying to protect us at all costs.
We talked about this balance between control and intention in article #1. Press the shutter, and now, the moment is sealed, imperfections and all. A misfocused shot, an overexposed highlight, a little dust on the scan. In film, they become part of the photograph's character, its texture, its truth.
Over time, you start to see mistakes differently. What once felt like failure starts to feel like style. The quirks and the flaws, these are what make a photograph and people feel alive.
"You're too in control". "You're too out of control". Statements that are essentially two sides of the same coin. The truth is, we're never really in control. We just learn how to use our instincts to present ourselves in a way that makes sense to us. As a climber and street photo-guy, statements like that make me laugh. Control isn't about eliminating risk, it's about making peace with it.
A good way to truly understand control and fear, is to be pumped out of your mind, meters above a leg breaking ledge, staring down the next move. Do you go for it or back off? I never fucking back off.
I made up this quote, but I imagine someone like Alex Honnold (Free Solo dude) probably said it: "Good climbing is about efficiency. You have to trust yourself and commit. If you hesitate, you're just wasting energy."
Hesitation kills momentum and romance. Overthinking drains you before you even make a move. You either trust yourself and go for it, or you let fear dictate your choices.
There's this idea that control and instinct are opposites, one being calculated, rational, a tight grip on subjective reality; the other being fluid, reactive, a surrender to the moment. One is cool, calm and collected, the other, exciting and impulsive. But honestly, they aren't in conflict. They're intertwined. Control is instinct, just refined. Instinct is control, just unfiltered. Too much control, and you suffocate the moment, all of your fears ruin something good, the send, the relationship, the photograph. Too much instinct, and all the same things apply. Either be a leader or follow, I talked about that in article #3 a little bit.
If you hesitate out of fear, waiting for the "perfect" composition, the scene disappears. Time is running out, mate. If you fire the proverbial shutter wildly without thinking, you will end up with empty frames, empty moments that don't land. Sure, you can live in denial but it won't last. The best shots and moments in life happen when you feel the moment and respond. Just enough control to make the right decision, just enough instinct to not overthink it. Then you let go.
It's the same in life. Too much control leads to overanalysis, a fear of making the wrong move. Being decisive and intentional to our true values; especially when it comes to facing fears and communicating them, can be scary as hell. To the extent we seem to actively rebel against it, as a way to regain control (we've all been there, sometimes, it's life or death). Too much instinct can leave you unanchored, saying and doing things you might regret, making decisions that feel good in the moment but don't hold up over time.
The key is trust in your sense of self, not who you think you are. Remember, folks, our thoughts are not always our own; it's our choice which thoughts we listen to, and which ones we don't. What's interesting is that, over time, with that attitude, control becomes instinct. Read up on neuroplasticity if you really want to dig into that.
The more you photograph, climb, screw it, whatever, indulge your passion; the more your hands and head know where to place your focus, how to expose for the light. Likewise the more you trust yourself in life, your instincts refine, not wild and erratic, but sharp, purposeful, and effortless. That's where confidence comes from. Maybe I am just an optimist. If you don't have a passion, find one.
So, maybe the real lesson isn't about choosing control or instinct over fear of imperfection. It's about making instinct an act of control and control an act of instinct. Don't beat yourself up about losing control. I've been in that place and it is dark. Sometimes a little blur or grain is just what we need in life. You and I have to live in the present, so don't expect perfection because it doesn't exist. Maybe I am a fool for trusting that the moment is enough as it is, but I think that is beautiful. The control part is how you react to this rollercoaster ride. If you are missing the shot over and over, maybe you need to shift the balance, one way or the other.
The more we stop fearing imperfection and start working with it, at some point, we realise that imperfection isn't just something to accept, it's the whole point. It's literally attractive.
Speaking from personal experience; if you spend too much time fearing your instincts, you're going to lose control, surrender to basic desires, and lose your ability to live in the present. Get out of your own head. If you feel like you are saving yourself, you are not. It might feel like control in the moment, but you will never press the shutter and acquire something meaningful. Once you lose that struggle, who you think you are and who you're striving to become is muddied and lost.
The magic happens in the balance. We have to love and be gentle with the yin and yang within us, maybe that is true control and instinct working in harmony (ooooommmmmm, this is my inner yogi speaking, still not flexible sadly). It's a dance between the two, and for anyone who knows me, I love to dance. See you at the front speaker.
Peace isn't something you find. It's something you create. Every choice you make to let go, soften your ego, slow down, and bring compassion forward is what builds it.
- Some guy on Instagram